Yoho, P’pol pals! Or, as we say in my new clan, P’poldelly-do! It’s me, P’pol, the world’s number one best banished escaped convict and truth seeker who writes for The Babbler! I think, anyway… Jiyoo’s been gunning for my spot… But she’s never been arrested, so I guess it’s fine to make such a ridiculous claim.

Last time we spoke, I totally proved all the gods and goddesses were make-believe! So you can trust that I have no fear when it comes to debunking falsehoods and LIES! Unfortunately, this week’s target for total annihilation is none other than The Babbler’s own Lopp Yasaburo! That’s right, you pink-haired primadonna, I’m calling you out once and for all!

Ms. Yasaburo often makes outrageous claims like “The GMs don’t care that people are being scammed” or that being nice to people gets you anything but burned. I usually don’t say anything about it, but this time she has gone too far. I have reason to believe that her most recent “sneak peek” is nothing but phony bologna!

I mean, really, what even is Dawntrail supposed to mean? New World? That’s absurd! Everyone knows Hydaelyn is a flat cube trapped in a hollow sphere! But rather than simply rant and rave, I am going to prove she is a charlatan using her own staged photos against her!

She opens with some sort of picture of a boat going to what looks like a distant shore, claiming to be a stowaway on said ship, but let me ask you this, eagle-eyed readers! If she is on that ship, who took the picture? A trained seagull named Perry who works in the photography department and sometimes takes photographs for my articles? Perhaps! But if that’s the case, how come the accounting department doesn’t have spending records from Perry’s time in this so-called “Tural?” Huh? HUH?!?

Also, that could be any land in the distance! I mean, really, what stands out in that? Boats? Seen em! A city? Seen Em!! Some sort of giant crow statue thing? SEEN EM!! I’m not a forensic scientist, but everything in that picture is without a doubt staged to look interesting or “cinematic!”

And thanks to The Babbler’s movie review department, we know that they are aware of the cinema! Coincidence? Potentially! But how likely is it that the same people who watch movies just so happen to take natural pictures that look like movies? Think about it!

Next, a picture of palm trees, some kind of town, serene, peaceful, quaint, even… Or is it? Palm trees? Not on the beach? I’m not one to call shenanigans on just anything, but even I have my limits. Everyone knows palm trees only grow on the beach to defend our shores from pirates using coconuts! So what’s going on here? Land pirates? Unlikely!

More realistically, the props department made papier-mache palm trees just for this shot!

In this photo, you see Lopp and a friend standing on a cliff next to a ladder, and if you look closely, you can just make out some sort of train rails. Notice anything off? That’s right! The rails are curved up as if poised to launch a cart into the sky!

Many of you might be wondering, “P’pol, obviously you’re right, but why is that suspicious?” To you, I say go to a theme park! What is a theme park, you ask? Why, a place of merriment used to subdue the minds of the masses, and also to sell snacks at unreasonable prices! Are they connected? Possibly, but that is a topic for another time, let’s STAY ON TRACK! Ha!

Track… There it is, the magic word that undoes all these lies. At theme parks, you see, they have contraptions called “rides” wherein a passenger takes a miniature journey while strapped into a cart, much like a train or a Chocobo from the Porters! Unlike these examples, though, most tracks do not take to the heavens!

No, that is a trick reserved for the whimsical attractions at theme parks! I do contest that this is NOT the new world, as Lopp claims, but instead a theme park! More on that later.

In this photo, we see Lopp running. However, those who know Lopp know she would rather die than run! This is easily debunked, staged, green screen! We even see her complaining about exercise in the very next photo! Anyway, I’m pretty sure you can see the wires holding her up. There’s just no way Lopp would work out even for a story.

This next supposed photo takes the cake for the most blatantly fake picture of all time. She SAYS she’s at an ancient ruins. She SAYS she doesn’t know what that carving is.

But, readers, I did a little forensic analysis by zooming in on it really close and you won’t believe what I found.

This is the zoomed-in photograph:

And THIS is Lopp’s bedroom (Courtesy of Perry, thanks Perry!):

Familiar at all? How about that pillow of the red hunk? Some might say the appearances are surface-level at best, but to a trained eye like mine, it is clearly a perfect replica done in a different style, something any artist off the street could manage! If you ask me, I think she commissioned that obviously painted background to be reminiscent of her weird alien dreamboat!

These next two photos are so whatever we aren’t even going to touch them, like it’s a hut and a pond there are a billion of those all over she could be anywhere it’s really not even worth getting into or even using punctuation over.

And finally, the fakest of the bunch, I present to you the infamous “Burger Shop.” First, what kind of “new world” has a burger shop? Little strange right from the get-go, right? Remember what I said earlier about theme parks? Guess what theme parks have besides rides? You guessed it! Burger shops in spades.

The rule of thumb at a theme park is if it’s not a ride it’s a burger shop. I know. I played Roller Coaster Tycoon as part of my research for this article.

Second, Lopp leans a little too deep into the lie saying “They were okay” in reference to the supposed burgers she implied to have eaten. Only, did you know? Our precious diva is a VEGETARIAN! J’accuse, Lopp, j’accuse!

Everyone knows you always complain when we have a gathering or team eat out and there are no options for you! Everyone groans when you show up to the company barbecues with corn and expect grill space! No one likes your corn Lopp, stop bringing corn!!!

Anyway, my point is Lopp is a LIAR and a FRAUD who will make stuff up just to sell… hair care products or something. Though she usually looks like a mess so that’s doubtful. The rest of the article is so obviously fabricated, I don’t feel it’s necessary to debunk. I mean, Viper? The Ninja Dragoon? It just sounds so fake. Do better, Lopp!

I could go on for books and encyclopedias covering all of Lopp’s lies in more detail, but I have important things to do for my new clan! For one, I need to recruit more people so it isn’t just me! And we need more food, so I need to start a farm. I can’t spend all my time antagonizing my coworkers or we won’t survive another winter or this first one.

Clan Destiny needs to thrive, and so it will require a lot of effort from me! No more frivolous debunkings for now! Unless I learn something world-shattering. You had better believe I will starve to write about it! Until next time P’poluters!