Hello readers! It’s been a while! After my last story definitively PROVING that Hydaelyn is a cube (or at least flat), I had to go into hiding until the heat died down. And what better place to wait for things to cool off than the veritable home of winter, the land that boasts just one season annually, the mountainous lands of Coerthas!

It was not all humdrum around a kitchen fire, though! No, I made the most of my time there, learning the rich history and pastimes of the people, and exploring the various landmarks that litter the land. And now I am excited to have once again an inch of the freedom needed to share these marvelous findings with you!

My editor has advised me that I must preface this article by mentioning that I was not able to speak with many locals, nor did I work with any “official” tour guides or “real” records.

However, as a highly qualified reporter on the unknown secrets of the world, it would be irresponsible of me to not also mention my uncanny ability to divine the truth of historical sites. So yes, okay, this is not the story those in power might have you rote memorize in one of their state-run “educational” (read: BRAINWASHING) farms they call “schools.” But by the end of this you will have the privilege of expanding your limited horizons.

In the end, is that not worth more than a vault of Allagan gold?

First, we need to clear up a shockingly common misconception. In my travels, I have heard many horrifying rumors that once Coerthas was a lush landscape filled with greenery like none could imagine. I am here to say that this is nothing more than a rumor, one started to encourage hatred and division and the theft of small patches of grass through charitable donations.

No, Coerthas has always been a bleak and desolate paradise filled with nothing but dreary folk and ice. This is evident in their demeanor, many refusing to comment on even the most mundane of questions I had for them about their culture. This stoicism is immediately noticeable, particularly for those who flee north from the Black Shroud.

Following the well-worn road, you will first come across the first Dicaserial Observatorium. This town sprang up to support researchers in the large tower. The purpose of the tower is allegedly to watch the stars but as anyone worth their salt knows, without a doubt, the stars are mere static objects strewn about the cosmos.

Now, I do not mean to imply that every Ishgardian is a liar, but it is quite obvious the true purpose of these strategic lookout points is to track and guide visitors from other worlds. Why they would visit this frozen… wonderland… is beyond me, but good for the residents here for trying.

Still, while the temptation to look to the skies is certainly present, Coerthas has many, many interesting sites of its own to gaze upon. Let’s take a look at a few!

The shiny red rocks that jut out north of Boulder Downs may look like the site of a dye transportation gone horribly wrong, but they are actually simply a natural phenomenon! If you will look closely, you might pick out what appears to be a building. This is no trick of the eye! Long ago, a garish and avant-garde architect tried to add a new addition to the Pillars. The structure matched well from a construction standpoint, but rather than approved stone, he insisted on a ruby material.

That it was so different led to its unpopularity with the local government, which exploded it at the base, sending the building flying out into the mountains. It struck down with immense force and the red coloring seeped into the nearby land, absorbing it. The site is now off-limits to all Ishgardians for its offensive color.

This loop is known as the Loop of Sonic Booms. Some say that on cold nights you can see a blue or possibly black and red hedgehog running within it at high speeds. As Coerthas has no concept of warm or even bearable temperatures, these mysterious figures can be seen nightly. You may also notice the stargate in the distance. Isn’t that neat?

This is Stoneman Cliff, the home of the Stonemen. Local children come here to make men made of stone, as they found creating the traditional Snowman was far too pedestrian. As you can see, one left a sled here, which must be charmed. As I staked out the area sensing its true purpose, an adult Elezen came to the sled and knelt before it as though trying to find it, but it seems they were unable to see it, thus proving its protective spells.

We now move on to the Western Highlands, home of exciting atrocities and horrors that will make your skin crawl! But first, the Yeti Cave!

The Yeti Cave is base of operations for the kind yeti creatures that patrol the ice planes. When adventurers decide to brave these lands, they sometimes forget that they should not traipse around without layers of warmth and collapse. Rather than let these poor folk get stuffed into their fallen Chocobo companions, the yetis bring them back to this cave, providing them some protection from the elements.

They even give some basic first aid, hanging them from the ceiling to allow blood flow to better reach the brain and return some heat in a natural way. They are very kind creatures!

Just to the north, you can find the existential nightmare that is the Living Dragon. During the war, it was struck by several harpoons, fell through a thin layer of ice, and hangs there to this day, unmoving.

And yet, it has not passed on, no. Instead, it froze solid and is forced to watch on through the ages, trapped in perpetual pain, and has become one of the favored tour sites for families looking for weekend getaways from life in the Empyreum. Children love to climb on its back and pretend to ride it, but be sure to bring a grappling hook as falling off is a danger!

Flower Ring Ridge is another fun location that is a must-see for those wishing to get the full Coerthas experience. During the Dragon Wars, 100 children from Ishgard made a solemn march to this site, each carrying a bouquet and humming a hymn of peace. Braving hardships, they made it to the top of this ridge and lay their bouquets around, grasping hands and singing to the foes of their parents in an effort to reach out.

They were swiftly and mercilessly swallowed whole soon after.

The village of Hemlock has the distinction of being the first town populated entirely by archaeornis. While limited in their abilities to produce much, they are fortunate to be covered in a desirable trade good - their own skin! Every molting season, the village collects all the discarded skin and boxes it up, sending it to Ishgard in exchange for goods like vegetables and trinkets to sell in their gift shop.

Gorgagne Mills is the home to the least haunted graveyard in all of Eorzea. The dreadful temperatures and weather are a powerful deterrent for the restless souls trapped in the ground here. They could leave at any time, but they are very much unwilling to, choosing instead to remain buried and comfortable.

In the background, you can also see the mills themselves, which catch falling snow and form it into ice for processing and transfer to more sun-plagued lands like Thanalan.

Speaking of Thanalan, just down the rocky cliffs of the mill we can find the iced-over remains of the Desert Jewel, the former party yacht of Sultana Nanamo Ul Namo of Ul’dah. On a routine pleasure cruise, a hapless navigator mistakenly took them down a river and the entire bunch of crew and passengers found themselves locked in place as the waters solidified around them.

Horrified, they abandoned the vessel and sought shelter in a nearby shack where they paid exorbitant amounts for blankets, beds, and gruel. The shack’s proprietor, Emont, is now on the most wanted list in Ul’dah. Exciting!

This final spot on our tour of Coerthas is known as Star-Crossed Lover’s Hill. It was here that a tale of unlikely romance met its grizzly end for a dragoon and dragon who tried to give love a chance amidst the fighting. They met here in secret in the dead of night to whisper sweet nothings to each other, until one day, the dragoon’s friends ambushed the two.

The dragon was killed on the spot - you can still see her on the hill - while the dragoon was taken back to Falcon’s Nest where he was burned to near death, then healed, then burned to near death, then healed, and so on and so forth for 100 days for his heresy. They say that some nights you can still hear him howling in pain, with many theorizing that after the 100 days, they started to perform more traditional means of torture while keeping him alive.

I hope you enjoyed this foray into the unknown lands of Coerthas! I am still waiting on permission to enter any of the cities or towns and once I have that I will assuredly break into some records rooms to prove these hidden facts that the universe has granted me during my exile here! Until then, dreamers, keep exploring and learning the truth!