Another number goes up on the collective counter! What does that mean? Not a ton! But just as the arrival of Spring can symbolize new life, the coming of a new year is a marker to usher in rebirth!

During Heavensturn, many like to discuss the resolutions they’ll follow in the coming year, using each as a benchmark to measure their improvements. It’s a time we can expect to see packed gyms, shortages of musical instruments and library books, and decreased sales of ice cream (not from me, though, someone has to make up the difference!). How long these trends last depends on the fortitude and willpower of each individual, but even a bit of effort is something to feel good about!

Still, sometimes a temporary change can feel fleeting and hollow. If that frightens you, why not go for something you can maintain for a little longer?

Let’s try a venue makeover!

[Note: Don’t worry! If you’re new to venues, you can learn something from this guide too! These tips and tricks were collected over months of observing the secrets of the best venues around. Follow them and you too will be part of the crowd!]

STEP ONE: Design!

Let’s be honest: The design of your venue doesn’t matter at all. Even the most popular venues don’t worry about it too much. Throw up some plain walls, and don’t you dare think about color. Dye, dye, dye? Random is fine! If you find the basic housing options not good enough for you, though, don’t forget there’s a handful of yellow mattress wallpapers available on the Mogstore! Extravagant (and expensive)!

Do you think that might be a little boring? Not to worry! Grab every item you can that’s even remotely tied to the theme you’re going for and spew them everywhere! Is that table sticking out of a wall? Maybe! Are there knickknacks scattered on the bar/kitchen? Great! If it’s too visually busy to focus, you’re done!

Remember, a mess is not a mess when mess is the norm!

STEP TWO: Menus!

Have you ever been to a website? If the answer is yes, forget EVERYTHING YOU’VE EVER LEARNED. EVER.

First off, pick two colors. It doesn’t matter which. That’s it! You’re done!

Make one the background, the other the font color. You did it! Do NOT try to read it before publishing, nor worry about readability. If customers say it’s difficult to read, just tell them to learn to read better. Alternatively, use a picture as a background. Anything you like. But don’t forget to make sure the text blends in with your photo of choice!

For menu items, be sure not to provide too much information. Remember, venues are only for the rich and powerful. 10,000 gil for an easy-bake item is perfectly acceptable and, in fact, maybe a little low. If a poor person comes in, be sure to show them the door. They can play venue in their mind at the marketboard if they want so-called fair prices!

Up-charging is expected, so be sure to give the customers what they pay for! Perhaps a quick rundown of an action such as “pour the coffee in a mug” or, for faster service, directly hand them a mug of coffee from your pocket. They are paying upwards of 10,000 gil, after all, and pocket food is especially compelling to veteran roleplayers!

Speedy service is a must!

Not selling items? That’s okay! You can still demand cash from people for going into your venue. It’s not their chair and this is not a public park! You come in the door, you better throw your wallet on the floor! as my great-grandmother used to say. Charging for services such as pretending to get a massage or smoke is an easy way to cut overhead while still raking in a profit!

STEP THREE: Advertising!

You have the space, you have the goods (or services), and now you need to bring in the lambs to slaughter! And by lambs to slaughter, I of course mean patrons!

You might be wondering: “How is advertising even possible? Is word of mouth not enough?” If you are, you need this guide! Print out a copy and make it into a fancy graphic T-shirt - backwards, of course - so you can look in the mirror and know exactly what to do as you admire your good looks, because you must be truly beautiful to be so air-headed!

There are, in fact, three tools at your disposal. And you know what they say about tools: Use them and do not stop using them for any reason!

1. Party Finder!

This is your first and easiest-to-use friend. If you have any staff, they can all use it too! The more the merrier, after all. If someone might read your ad once, imagine how excited they’ll be to read it seven or eight times! In a row!

But with so few spaces to put a message, how can you draw the eyes of potential visitors? Bubble Letters! That’s it, there’s no more advice for Party Finder. Lots of them and Bubble Letters. Saying what is unique about your space is sooooooo early 2022 and it is early 2023 so get with the times!

2. Shouting!

Have you ever been to a major city? There are so many people in these places. And they are so bored. Give them something to do! Reading your ad across two to three maxed-out shouts is the perfect way to pass the time before going to your venue. The best part is, you can repurpose your Bubble Letters for shouts, too!

Just be sure to go to every city as quickly as possible. The shout logs fill up fast and you don’t want someone reading different ads over yours, or worse yet, having an actual conversation when they could be at your venue right now! There’s no such thing as etiquette in advertising, so shout as much as possible!

3. Discord!

People love being in a lot of community channels, and they’re just sitting there waiting to be told what to do! Write up a long flowery paragraph about all the fun you have in store for them and include several links and an arguably Safe-For-Work poster (no actual nudity means SFW!) and you’re ready! Post it in as many channels as you’re allowed to! Don’t worry about the plenty of others in there already, you won’t get lost in the shuffle! Just because you have it silenced, doesn’t mean everyone else does too!

Some people might even try to say that these strategies are “annoying” or “toxic” or “vapid” - but don’t listen! They’re just jealous they don’t have seven bubble ads! Remember, talking about issues is not friendly for anyone, it’s always better to ignore problems and never learn!

STEP FOUR: Giveaways!

So people aren’t showing up? How? Do you have enough Bubble Letters? It’s ALL Bubble Letters and STILL no one? Not to worry, I have an easy trick for you!

The only thing you need to do is be rich. That’s right! With only absurd amounts of gil or other currencies, you can be swimming in a sea of bodies in no time! 25 million gil nightly giveaways, 50 million gil contest prizes for being dressed up, and creativity is only limited by your imagination!

Are you light on gil from all the decorating and staff? No problem! With only a $25 investment in a nearby fast food chain, you can get a gift card to offer the people. How generous! And since you’re just giving it away, it’s totally within the rules and ethical! Time to party!

Seem like a big investment? Well, consider this: If one $25 giveaway gets you 25 guests trying to win, you’re only paying people $1 to show up! That is such a cheap way to get people in the door! Plus, they might tip more or pay millions to be a VIP, meaning you get gil and they get money! That sounds good, doesn’t it? And somehow still within the rules!

STEP FIVE: Success!

You did it! If you followed every step, you’re now like every other big venue! Your new look is guaranteed to follow all the hottest trends going into the new year!

If these don’t work for you, it’s your fault. Keep trying the same thing and remember: This is all the advice you will ever get from your peers! Happy venuing!