I like to eat out. Not a lot, usually I settle for the ever-dwindling supplies in my pantry, but when I do find myself in a position to dine on someone else’s cooking, it is a treat I do not take for granted. There is a magic in the respite. No preparation, no cleaning after. Just a meal, with no need for the microwave.
Of course, nothing is perfect. There are downsides to leaving the house. The most obvious is probably the cost. Obviously, you should expect to shell out some cash when you go to a restaurant. Though the time cost is also something to consider. Organizing, traveling, perhaps parking, waiting for a table, waiting for a member of the wait staff, waiting for the chef, waiting for the bill, all to get to a point where travel is once again back, now with a vengeance as everyone else in the city has decided to drive around aimlessly and slowly.
And if you’re like me, you might not even get to go home from that because you only go out with friends and goodness gracious everyone suddenly wants to go to a night café. I do not mean to complain, it is a nice time and I do have fun, rather I wanted to really stress all the different factors that go into going out. There is a break from typical at-home eating routines, but that does not mean it’s a simple and easy task. There is an investment in it, much like most things we do when not working or sitting in a corner looking at memes for hours.
When we go out, we try to find something new and interesting. That’s not to say there have been no repeats, but more often than not we look for places we have not been before. The thrill of the unknown mixed with the comfort of the low risk of consumption is a strong pairing. Very rarely, though, we try something where one of us is entirely new to the experience. That is to say, methods for eating do not always translate so cleanly. Sometimes the expected western cutlery is all one must know about. Other times, we find ourselves getting accustomed to using our hands to dip into a community pot. It can get awkward, though usually, we end up having fun trying to figure things out, as though the puzzle is part of the experience.
Occasionally, though, someone knows how to engage with the food properly. If it’s one of our friends, it usually doesn’t get far. They tell us the technique and we either try it out or just let them know to hush as we laugh about the mishaps. When it is a stranger, though, that borders on becoming an awful experience.
There are times when it can be endearing. A smaller shop where the owner wants to share? That can be pleasant, a little fun, even, because you can tell there is a bit of passion for their craft, and they want to pass on some of that to others. It’s quaint. Unfortunately, though, I have been privy to other diners who feel the need to explain to my group just how wrong we all are. How they know, how they have been around the world, how more people should experience what they have. As though we should be gracious that they deigned to enlighten us. Nothing kills a mood quite like the inflated self-worth of someone who decides to inject themselves into a situation because they know best.
For those of you who have experienced something similar, I’m sure you can understand where I’m coming from. When you try to do something for the first time and you are learning, there can be a sense of hostility when another makes it their business to tell you everything you are doing wrong, as though your lack of perfection on an early attempt is actively hampering their ability to enjoy their life. Or maybe it’s even more aggressive than that. Have you ever been in a situation where you’re a new driver, unsure of your ability, and someone decides to blare their horns at you, topping things off with a rude gesture as they fly past? While perhaps not exactly the same, these experiences come from the same place, one where understanding and acceptance are not even considered.
I love to learn from my mistakes. I know not everyone does, as there can be a sense of anxiety that comes from making errors. Still, I do not think I have met a single person who would profess to appreciate the absurd reactions from unknown parties for small missteps. If I’m wrong, if you love to be berated by people who have no business doing that to you, let me know. I would be genuinely intrigued to learn more about your mindset. For the rest of us, though, I think we can agree that such things are less than appreciated. And yet, time and time again, I see these interactions all over in duty finders.
Heck, I’ve been a recipient of such verbal harassment on a few occasions. When I was a sproutling tank, Babbit and I signed up to do a dungeon necessary for me to progress. It was not an early dungeon and I was fairly used to tanking at this point. I knew most of my moves very well, but more importantly, I understood the purpose of my role. Stance on, take hits, do not let others take hits. Very straight forward. Not necessarily EASY, but the concept is not hard to grasp. So imagine my shock when the DPS with a crown by their name took offense to how I was starting boss fights.
“You have to start the battle by throwing your axe :)” he said, smiling to make it seem friendly. I explained that, no, in fact, I do not. I had a combo finishing move ready so I wanted to use it right away. “No, you do not understand,” he assured, “throwing the axe generates more aggro.” Confused, I asked when I had not held all aggro. Of course, he could not find an example. He had not taken a single hit, nor had anyone but me. Still, he felt compelled to dig in and secure his petty victory.
“Okay, maybe you did not need to then, but if you do not learn to do that every time you WILL cause everyone to die in a later dungeon.” Success, what else could it be? He really showed me my place. I probably should have let things lie there but I just cannot stand people treating me or my friends like idiots because they feel they know best. So I simply told him “Okay, great. You do DPS, I will tank, is that okay with you?” It was not. “You should listen to me because I am a mentor!”
I was speechless. How could I not be, me, a sprout at the time, in the presence and majesty of someone with a crown icon? It did not matter that we were doing fine, that at no point was the mission in jeopardy. It was too much for him that I was enjoying the instance in my own way, a way that he did not like. It was not wrong, the death count of 0 attests to that, it was simply not to his tastes. And rather than shrug it off, or even offer any advice, he felt like it was his prerogative to let me know how foolish I was being, not caring about his sage advice when it was not needed or requested.
It would be disingenuous of me to claim that I have never spoken out in a dungeon. There are times when I have been frustrated by the actions of others. Yet I do try to temper myself. Expecting everything to run smoothly at all times is unreasonable. Typically, I only speak out if something truly detrimental is taking place.
For example, as a tank, I have asked DPS members not to pull because I can have targeting issues at times. Or, when not tanking, I have reminded the person in the role to get into the proper stance. So, yes, even I give out unsolicited tips from time to time. Are they the same, though? I do not think so.
There is a difference between giving someone a reminder and telling someone how they should enjoy something. The only person one should tell how to enjoy a game is themself. Yet, so often I see people chastise others for not doing something the same way they would. In message boards, a large and frequent complaint is “people do not know all their moves and it has resulted in slower damage output” as though taking an extra 30 seconds in an encounter will ruin everyone’s life. Even, then, though, I can understand the cause of frustration. What takes things to the next and more inappropriate level is the attitude of “it does not matter that it is something you are just learning. You should have researched this on your own before DARING to team up with me.”
If you want to learn everything, every technique and style, not just be aware of them but know them wholly and fully, be able to pull off top-tier combos blindfolded, good for you. Do it, enjoy it, live it. If you want to be in a group of like-minded individuals, more power to you all. you can practice and study to your heart’s content. HOWEVER, no amount of passion for a thing gives you the right to expect the same commitment from any stranger who crosses your path.
We have ALL invested in being here and as such we are entitled to enjoy our experiences our own way. If someone IS acting in a way that intentionally ruins the time of others, say, for example, a healer refusing to resurrect their allies because they feel it is not fun for their own story, then by all means take a moment and discuss. But if you are getting into the business of others just trying to enjoy their time then you need to take a moment to reflect on what kind of person you are being.
There is a statistic thrown around that roughly 60% of people do not study mechanics or move sets. Admittedly, I am one of them, and I can tell you that for me, it comes from the joy I feel when I figure something out on my own. It also comes from having a packed life where I just do not have the time to learn everything. I do my best, as do most of that more than half the population. We are all just trying to find a little bliss in our routines that break up the struggles of life. And if you find yourself wanting to put in that effort to learn you should, be proud of it, but also carry an understanding that such efforts are entirely optional.
No one likes to be told how to live, not when they are not seeking it. The phrase “go touch grass” comes to mind. It is a bit of a joke, but in essence, it is the same thing. It is dictation rooted in an opinion that another person is not optimizing to the standards of the speaker. And so, I implore you the next time you feel that others should live up to your expectations to reflect on a time when you have faced similar types of criticism. Did it feel good? Maybe either reconsider or if you feel it is important to share, broach appropriately.
Being new is not a sin. Learning is not the next world-shattering calamity. We are all part of a larger community and while we do need some rules and boundaries, if someone is not going out of your way to hurt you why would there ever be a need to involve yourself in what they are doing? This is a social experience, but there are still times when it is best to mind your own business, even if they have not memorized the purpose of Iajutsu as they power level Samurai.
