As you may have guessed by all the egg decorations, it is indeed Hatching-Tide season! And also Little Ladies’ Day… season? But whatever, because of the two, Hatching-Tide is a little more colorful and fun featuring a lot of interesting history! In fact, this is the thirteenth Hatching-Tide, and what an event we have this year!
What? We… barely have half an event? Oh, I see… Do we… We get fun rewards, right? Like a cool costume and music like last year? No? A mount? Wait, the mount is… just a recolor of… a mount anyone can get already? Ugh…
Okay well. You know what? If they are going to put in minimal effort… So am I. That is the history of Hatching-Tide, I guess. Getting lazier and lazier until you just give up.
So without further ado, and because she would not shush up after Jiyoo’s investigation into space people, I give this article in all its glory to P’pol to do whatever she wants with it. Take it away, P’pol.
HOWDY, P’POLUNATORS!
FINALLY! I have been begging to get a slot ever since Jiyoo thought she could just jump in on my turf! I mean who does she think she is, talking about aliens? Everyone knows that’s my thing, she didn’t even ask me!
What the heck, who is “Gregorio Tsulokas,” like I know everyone in the community and I never heard such a dumb name in my life!
Anyway, you’re probably wondering “But P’pol, everyone is aware your the foremost scholar of aliens and also so cool and pretty! We want to know how it’s going with the Lambs of Dalamud!” First, dear reader, thank you! I am very smart and cool and pretty! Second, it’s “you’re.” I know we can all wonder in our heads how we want, but you should spell things correctly cause words have meaning! Third, I dug up so much dirt for those guys but all they ever did was sit around and complain about living with demons. It was totally lame!
So anyway, who cares about all that? Let’s talk space! To begin, a refresher on the known facts of the world, cause that’s important for understanding how space works!
As you can see in the above illustration, our planet is a cube that is trapped inside a bigger, hollower cube. The sun is obviously inside the hollower cube as that’s how we get light. These facts are provable thanks to the following secrets I have gone over in the past. But, as a quick recap…
So the time is always the same no matter what continent you go to, which is only possible if the world is flat. But, as we all know, flat things don’t have gravity, therefore the world is a cube because that’s how you get flat sides. So that’s pretty obvious. But then if you look at the below thing I found once…
You can see the ancients already tested the world and found what they called the “sky box.” All those supposed “stars” at “night” are really just “shining gems” along a “rock ceiling.” So, okay, obviously that’s all very much certain truth. And if we all know all that, how can aliens be real?
Well, it’s all so very simple, and if you would calm down for even just a second I would explain it, okay?????
Before we get into “how aliens,” I’ll go over every type of “what aliens” so that we all have a better understanding of why we don’t want to mess with them. To start, there is the first type, spooky rabbit-looking things that live in brightly colored eggs until you eat them or something then they explode out of you and hunt down your friends and you have to escape in a getaway ship lifeboat thing and then explode the nuclear bomb inside your big space ship cause you have that for some reason but oh no one got in and now you have to open the air thing so it flies out into space.
These are clearly the worst kinds and I am afraid of them and scared of them. If you meet any, don’t talk to them.
Loppien (79th Year, Sixth Astral Era), Courtesy of Seventh Umbral Century Renard Pictures
The other kind are the lizard people. No, not like me. It gets confusing, I understand. I’m a lizard people from HERE and they are a lizard people from SPACE, it’s not that complicated, don’t worry about it. The big thing with them is no one knows what they look like because they wear clever disguises, but by all credible accounts, they are the leaders of every major government around Hydaelyn, and use their positions to keep us, the sheeple, in a state of sheepley bliss.
Why do they do this? We will get to that! But first, we have to explain the how so people don’t call me a quack again. If I have a reasonable explanation then obviously it’s not me being insane, okay?! Yeesh, some people can be so mean! Not you, obviously. You’re cool.
Okay, so remember how I explained that the world is inside a hollow world? So you might be thinking, “P’pol, you’re about to blow our minds, aren’t you? I knew you would! Still, please do, I am on the edge of my seat to learn the secret truths.” I am not gonna blow your minds all that much. As seen in the ancient tablet above, there’s a hole in the hollow shield world. A hole that leads to space. That’s how things get in. It’s pretty obvious, really.
Okay well, case solved. OR IS IT?! No, because the case was “what are aliens even doing here” and yeah I mean I kinda explained a little, like the rabbit aliens are eating people and the lizard aliens are controlling people, but why, dear reader, WHY?! You shouldn’t know, that’s why I’m here to explain it for you, chill out and relax a bit!
So-called “scholars” would have you believe the gems lodged in the sky cave are actually stars of far-off planets, like the planets or their… suns… or… whatever I don’t pay attention to lies. It doesn’t matter what they say if it’s FAKE! Ooooo, get dunked on, scholars! Okay, so the real skinny on this is that, obviously, we have the sun and aliens are super crazy jealous.
“But P’pol,” I hear you think using my magical brain powers, “what?” Do I really have to spell it our for you? Why do you think we never see the hole in the sky? Because it’s too dark, obviously. Space is really really dark and you can’t see at all. The lizard aliens are probably scared of the dark or think they can harness the sun as some sort of giant energy maker thing or something, I don’t know, I’m not a lizard alien, as I have already explained.
Historically speaking, we’re in the second attempt at them stealing the sun from us. That’s right, they tried it before! The first time, they dropped all those rabbit aliens all over. You see, the top world used to be inhabited, but all those people were eaten by the rabbit aliens. It was an attempt at depopulating all of us so they could just grab the sun and run off with it. It was a bold strategy, but it failed to pay off, cotton.
Instead, they probably knocked down Dalamud and caused that whole fiasco. Or… Well maybe it was sooner, who knows, the timeline is confusing because they didn’t leave any trace of their existence and I’ve been piecing this together with scraps of clues of evidence. But they did give up, obviously, because we still have the sun, which you can check if it’s not overcast and also it’s daytime when you’re reading this.
How could all that planning fail? Simple! The hole wasn’t sun-sized and they couldn’t get it out through into space. The thing is, though, they could have made it bigger, but like all intelligent and advanced beings, they hate manual labor.
“P’pol,” I hear you scream in protest, “surely they would harness the power of a robot army to dig the edges wider!” Yeah, you would think that, but the robot uprising of space year 24,097 was a political nightmare for the space lizard robotics companies and they basically all had to shut down due to unpopular public opinion and devastating blows to their stocks in the market.
The whole thing caused a major recession, barring the robot-killing gun industry, which saw soaring profits. It’s funny because shortly before the uprising, they were working on advanced AI for robots that they said would increase their effectiveness. But I’m sure those things have nothing to do with each other and are purely coincidences. Wink wink. (Yeah that’s right, even space has dark secrets!)
So what to do with no willingness to work and also no robots to force to work? The next best thing to robots, sheeple! But not their own sheeple, no. It would be too expensive to bus them all over through space. It would be much easier to train the sheeple of our world to take the much shorter bus ride to the sky!
And so they took over as our leaders in hopes of training an expert team of useful space miners to go to space and mine rocks like in that movie, you know the one, with the space miners. They go to space and mine a rock? It was a hit, people know what I’m talking about. And it was also propaganda to glorify space mining. Bet you wanted to be a space miner hero after seeing that!
So I don’t know what the heck Jiyoo was rambling about with “Pales” and “Cephaloids” and “Lizrids.” Well, okay not Lizrids, cause that’s probably close to the truth of the lizard people… But anyway, whatever, she got all the facts wrong! Consider yourself debunked, Jiyoo, you gaudy hack! Also, I’m sorry for calling you a “gaudy hack,” I was in the heat of the moment and I hope you can forgive me.
So there you have it! The truth finally comes out! Thanks, Lopp, for letting me have your slot this week! And thank you, mystery game, for making Lopp too distracted and uninterested to do her job, I guess. Also, much better and bigger thank you to all you P’podpeople! You guys rule!! ROCK ON, EORZEA!!!! (And then, if you can, have the text play a cool guitar solo in people’s ears as they imagine me leaving the podium! Thanks, editor!)
